Sex. It is how we all arrived on this planet as physical beings, right? Yet it seems to be something people rarely dialogue about. It is almost as if it is one big secret. The pink elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. Why?
Sex is a very powerful act. It has created beautiful life and also destroyed life. It has created immense pleasure and also unbearable pain. It has been used as an expression of love and also as an act of control and abuse.
I struggled with sex for a long time. I felt a tremendous amount of shame around sex. These emotions all came from my childhood where sex was definitely taboo. Never even heard the word. How dare one talk about it but yet it was going on all around me.
I had my first sexual experience at age 8 behind the church while church service was in session. It all just escalated from there. An evangelist who came to our church to hold a revival meeting sexually molested me, at age 12. As I continued on through my childhood, I continued to be taken advantage of by 2 of my mother’s brothers. All of my sexual childhood experiences were with people who were strongly opposed to homosexuality. Interesting, huh?
Even though many of my sexual experiences have been with fellow church members, the church had very restrictive rules about whom you could have sex with and when you could get down. For example, no sex was allowed on Sunday’s and sex was limited to heterosexual missionary-style couplings with the lights off of course. Bottom line is you can’t stop people from having sex no matter how many crazy rules you have about it.
I have continued to struggle a bit with sex through out my life. I have made decisions about sex that have caused me great pain and suffering. I have struggled at times with being able to control my sexual desires. Giving myself to complete strangers as well as giving myself to someone I cared deeply for, only to discover it was just sex for them. Nothing more.
I am grateful to be in a new space of thought and awareness. I have experienced both the constructive and destructive implications of sex. I now have no shame associated with sex. I see it as a beautiful way to express love and intimacy with someone you care about.
I have also found that when I embrace sex as a spiritual act, it brings me closer together in body and mind with another. Sex is a powerful force that when used properly it can be a great catalyst for spiritual growth and healing on many levels.
I do however have more control now and have set the intention to not share it with just anyone. It is a gift in a beautiful package that I will only allow someone special to unwrap moving forward in my life.
Perhaps if there were more liberty and dialogue in our homes about sex, it would decrease some of the negative implications like disease and shame. Stop hiding it. Talk about it. It is part of who we are.
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Vince is a Critical Care Registered Nurse, Thought Contributor, and Published Writer. He shares his knowledge and personal experience on issues impacting our physical, mental, and spiritual health. Join the conversation at vinceshifflett.com by entering your email address to follow his weekly blog.
I’m going to share this with my focus group of young gay men,Thank you for sharing and the insight…
Terre,
Thank you so much. Wow. That means so much to me. I really appreciate you.
Vince
The purist religious attitude in America prevents the freedom of individual sexuality.
Kenneth,
Sad but true. There is such a difference between religion and spirituality. Many religious people haven’t a clue what true spirituality looks like. They are too busy with their religious rules and judgement of others. Thank you so much for sharing.
Much love,
Vince
Fascinating and a great insight into a lovely man’s background.
Life is a building block, a blank canvas. What we see, experience, do, are told, believe and paint and build our characters and style.
We have all had our good and bad sexual experiences, mine was a marathon at the age of about 21, which was good, but then I was raped at the age of 26, which was bad.
Now days, I enjoy sex and enjoy pleasing my partner, but with it being casual, I don’t get much mental stimulation or satisfaction out of the act.
Thank you for yet another fascinating blog,
Y x
Yuri,
Thanks so much for your bravery in sharing your story as well.. You are so right, we have all had good and bad sexual experiences. I think the older we get, the further down on the priority list it becomes. I love your analogy of a blank canvas. We truly have the awesome choice to create what it is we want. I appreciate you.
Vince
Love that pic sir
Thank you Donavan
Congratulations Vince. This article shows the power of telling one’s story. Bringing horrific and tragic accounts into light is courageous and empowering. The darkness of shame and secrecy have significantly weakened by your willingness to face them head on.
My story does not contain the painful scares of abuse but is probably familiar to many gay men. Self-loathing and body shame have been my demons from the time I realized I didn’t fit into the mold expected of me. Sex has been about pleasing my partner and ignoring myself. It becomes evident when reciprocation and focusing on my pleasure is a struggle and most often unsuccessful.
I rejoice when I hear of those who came out to their families in high school or college and were accepted and supported by family and friends. Such stories show tremendous foundation building to live and grow with the acceptance that they are whole, complete and worthy to give and receive love.
Thank you for sharing your healing journey on the path to your full sexual potential. I am on a similar path and celebrate that by writing this comment is a step forward my goal. Much love.
Chuck,
Such a beautiful response. Thank you. I think many of us have been through similar experiences as far as the emotions we experience. I love that you point out that sex has been about pleasing another. I have learned to create a sexual experience that is spiritual and meets the needs of both. Thanks again for your bravery and insight. I am grateful for you.
Much love,
Vince
I hate you had to experience those terrible experiences with people you know very sad but you are an inspiration beautiful person with a beautiful mind . And by the way I love the picture today of you
Dawn,
Thank you so much. I do not see the experiences as terrible however. I see them as the reason I am in such an incredible place today. They made me who I am. I love you and am always grateful for your feedback.
Vince
Great sharing. Healing tool for sure. Peace to you
Thomas,
Thank you. I am really grateful to have you a part of my life. Peace to you as well.
Vince
Thank you for Once again, speaking your truth so that we all can share in your awareness. Opening up in such manner about your life can leave you feeling very vulnerable and exposed, yet I know in this case it has come from a place of strength. “AND LOOK AT YOU NOW”… You are a testament to Love and Healing! You share this from a place of Peace and not Anger, Strength and Weakness, Love and not Hatred. Your “little light” is a Beacon to those who need to find the light in their life.
Thank you.
Greg,
Thanks as always for your insightful, thoughtful feedback. Thanks for always being present in my life and always being a present/gift.
Much love
Vince
Thank you, dear, Vince for being completely open about what happened to you when a child. I experienced something similar – except I was the willing ‘victim’. I had been so starved of love that I believed with my first experience that what was happening ‘was’ love: a grown man taking such an interest in me; I imagined it was because he ‘cared’ about me; holding me in his arms, kissing me, saying beautiful things to, and about me: things I never heard from my drunken vicious father!! It was a powerful feeling just knowing of the power my little self had over these men – and their were more than a few when I was between the ages of 12 and 15; and, do you know, I am forever grateful to them for their warmth; the warmth I had desperately needed from my father! I should add that my mother was inacapable of showing emotion due to the fact that she suffered from Huntington’s disease. … Love/lust, I didn’t know the difference.
Adam,
Thank you so much as always for your insightful beautiful response. I love your perspective on this. I would like to re-emphasize however that I am not gay because I was molested. I am gay because that is the way God created me. And I love me. 🙂 Thank you for sharing. Much love to you my beautiful friend.
Vince
Thank you for your wonderful message regarding sex. During early age, sex controlled me, but now at my season age, I am in control and only share with someone special. Thank you.
Kenneth,
Thank you so much for sharing. I really appreciate your perspective. You are so right. It definitely controlled me at one time but I am working on being in control of it. Much love to you.
Vince