So you have been with your husband, wife, partner, or significant other for 5 years, 10 years, 20 years and counting. Is that a good thing? Why do you stay? Are you happy and fulfilled in the relationSHIP or is it a relationSHIT? I have certainly experienced both in my lifetime.
I have noticed that we take great pride in how long we’ve been with someone. We wear it like a trophy. We announce it to everyone. “We’ve been together for 10 years.”
If you are happy and fulfilled in your relationship, then it is a beautiful thing. But why do people continue to stay when they are not happy and fulfilled? Why do we stay in relationSHITS?
I was in a beautiful 18-year relationship with an incredible person. We too would often boast about how long we had been together. We were so proud of that. The truth is, the last 2 or 3 years of the relationship we were nothing but roommates and friends. The romance had long faded. There had been no real sexual intimacy in years.
The loss of romance and sexual intimacy left us both feeling some sense of emptiness. Everyone wants to be held. Everyone wants that affection and human intimate connection. Somewhere along the way we had lost that. So why did we stay together and continue to just go through the motions?
Sexual health is part of optimal health making sexual intimacy a very important part of relationships.
We finally got up the courage to talk about it and admit the truth instead of pretending. We decided to let each other go and give each other the freedom and opportunity to find that romantic love again. It was incredibly difficult but turns out it was the best thing ever to happen in both our lives. And we did it because we loved each other. We decided to stop pretending we were lovers because we weren’t anymore. We still loved each other and still do to this day. Just in a different way. He is part of my family and one of my dearest friends on earth. I cherish him and his beautiful new partner.
It is the same in all our relationships in life. I talked with one of my nursing colleagues yesterday who expressed unhappiness in the relationship with her job. I asked her, “What keeps you here?” Her reply was “fear.” I encouraged her to step out of her comfort zone and trust that the Universe (God) would always have her back. She was miserable in the relationSHIT with her job.
We often cling to longevity. We place great value on longevity at all cost. I too value longevity but not at the cost of my happiness. I had gotten really good at pretending to be happy in my 18 year relationship especially when we were around others. It was far from the truth. I was empty and void and so was he.
I talk to people everyday who are frustrated in their relationships. They say there is no excitement in the relationship. No affection. No intimacy. People who are in committed relationships proposition me for sex regularly. They admit that, “I haven’t had sex with my partner, husband, wife in years.” They admit to being unfulfilled and unhappy in that area yet they stay and pretend that everything is awesome.
The Difference Between RelationSHIP and RelationSHIT
RelationSHIP RelationSHIT
- Respect Disrespect
- Great meaningful conversation Silence
- Love and Adoration Disregard
- Affection and intimacy No touching/sex
- Synergy Discord
- Allowing Controlling
- Growth Stagnant
- Romantic Love Platonic Love
Are you in a relationSHIT? Flush that relationSHIT down the toilet and make space for that beautiful relationSHIP. If you are in a relationship, continue to nurture it, cherish it, adore it, respect it, and give gratitude for it.
Until next week,
Peace, love, and gratitude to you all
Powerful and centered in Truth! Thank you for sharing those Divine words.
Steven,
Thank you so much for your response and most of all for your support. I really appreciate your kind words and look forward to hearing more from you.
Peace and love to you,
Vince
Love this.. #Facts✌️😉
Thank you Terre
I love this blog and thank you for it. I love the perspective and I love how it gets people thinking…and, in some cases, sharing. Thank you for making me look outside of romantic relationships and bringing up the fact that I have a relationships with many things; living and non-living and that they too can be relationshits. My most intimate and also most complex relationship/shit is with myself. What makes it so difficult to navigate is that unlike my relationship with things outside of myself, I take “me” with me everywhere I go and when I’m not feeling myself, I can’t just choose to discontinue my relationshit. The solution is to change how I relate with myself and that takes time and patience… which I often don’t have.
Wigasi,
Thank you so much for your beautiful insightful and vulnerable response. You are so right. Our relationship/shit with self is the most important of all and sometimes the most difficult to manage. I have started taking time to evaluate my relationship with everything and ask myself, “is it a healthy relationship or is it relationshit?
I am incredibly grateful that you took the time to respond and offer feedback that I’m sure will help others too.
Much love,
Vince
I can definitely relate to this topic
Robert,
So glad the topic resonated with you. I am grateful for you.
Vince
Yes I’m in a situation like that now,unfortunately we are financily tied therefore I can’t leave
Robert,
No amount of money or material possessions are worth our happiness. I do understand your point of being financially tied however, the Universe will always work in your favor. Always. Make that step of faith. Much love to you and best wishes for you. You deserve love and affection.
Vince
Vince
Sorry but for ignoramuses, what’s ED ?
Excellent blog as usual Vince.
Sex outside a loving relationship is just sex. There is only the physical part, nothing emotional involved whatsoever.
Sex inside a loving relationship is more intense and fulfilling.
Vince, you ask why people pretend they are in a successful relationship when it is failing ? I can only relate to mine.
I have been married for 24 long years. The signs were on the wall from the start but I was in love, she wasn’t.
She didn’t want to go on honeymoon but wanted to stay and see her relatives from Australia. We honeymooned in Barbados.
I fought to keep the marriage going and remember sending her a bouquet on our first anniversary with a note stating “we made it to one”.
From there on it was an uphill steep slope.
We had our twins after 7 years. That forced me to stay in the relationship as it unlocked a violent and dangerous side to her character and I was sure that I’d see my kids dead if I wasn’t there.
Why didn’t I just walk away ?
Shame, fear and fear of the unknown, as your colleague said.
I have sacrificed 17 years of my life to ensure that I am the buffer between them and their mother. They didn’t ask to be born and therefore it was my responsibility to make sure that they were cared for whilst growing.
Why didn’t I just divorce her and take the kids ?
I don’t know about the law in the USA but over here, it’s 50/50% custody but in favour of the woman, unless the man can prove otherwise. In otherwise, the onus is on us men to prove that the mother is not capable to do the job.
Now the kids are 17 and will hopefully go to uni at 18. That’s when I really couldn’t care about ‘shame’, ‘fear’ or the ‘fear of the unknown’. I;m now past caring. I’ve nearly done my job, have possibly got another 17 years left, if I can get through the next 2 years without cancer getting me, and want to have “me” time.
What about the future ?
I am so badly hurt that I don’t trust any woman except for my daughter and sister. Females are now of absolutely no interest to me for sex.
However I intend to just play the field and have as many one night stands as I can but am hopefully not going to get involved with anyone.
We have a saying over here, “Feed ’em, F**k ’em, Forget ’em”, that’s the route I’m aiming for !
What about God ?
Sadly, my children and I have been through so much that I think he’s sold my details to Satan. Even though I believe in an Almighty Being in the skies, love going to church services, believe that we are reborn in some form, etc etc, I do however question whether he really does exist or is man made to control the masses and that for 2,000+ years we have been believing a fairy tale.
Sorry, I have probably bored you.
I look forward to your next blog.
Yuri
Yuri,
Wow. Amazing story. Thank you so much for sharing. We all have a story. To answer your first question, ED is erectile dysfunction. The inability to get an erection. Actually a common problem with many causes. Thanks again for sharing your story. I know there is a bright future for you. I think you have the right idea. Just enjoy what is for the time it is. Life is uncertain. Nothing is certain. If we can embrace uncertainty, peace will follow. I think we all reflect on our past with different emotions. I am learning to reflect on the past with gratitude even for the challenges. They have taught me valuable lessons about myself as painful as they have been at times.
I am so appreciative for your feedback.
Much love and peace to you,
Vince
This is your best post yet 🙂 So spot on. I think I am in the latter category. I cannot seem to make a good connection with another human that lasts….
Take care and have a great day!
Penny Wells, MA Ed., RHIA – Health Information/Informatics Technology Director Southwestern Community College 447 College Drive Sylva, NC 28779 (828) 339-4362
On Sun, Mar 11, 2018 at 4:08 PM, Vince Shifflett wrote:
> Vince Shifflett posted: ” So you have been with your husband, wife, > partner, or significant other for 5 years, 10 years, 20 years and counting. > Is that a good thing? Why do you stay? Are you happy and fulfilled in the > relationSHIP or is it a relationSHIT? I have certainly ” >
Penny,
Thank you Penny for another response from you. It means so much coming from you. You are so right. I think the older we get, the more challenging it can become to connect with the one who is in alignment with you. It is possible though so remain hopeful and grateful for this time you are single. God has something really special for you when you are fully ready.
Much love,
Vince
Great discussion. Please provide your thoughts on ED impact in a relationship and how to cope. Oral sex is a option.
Thanks
Kenneth,
RelationSHIPS are about so much more than sex even though that is an important component. Sexual intimacy can be expressed in many ways. Holding, kissing, touching, playing, oral sex………… It is not all about penetration. It is more about the desire to be affectionate. I do believe ED can be an issue in a relationship if not talked about openly and without judgement on either end. There are certainly creative ways to get around ED and still experience intimacy with someone.
Vince