For much of my life I have felt there is 2 of me. Two different people. Two faces. I guess you could say at times my actions are different from my core beliefs? My actions being one person and my core beliefs being someone completely different.
For me, this all started as a child when I felt forced to be 2 different people. I certainly did not feel free to be my true self. My true self would have been considered an abomination in the site of God. My true self would have been considered the ultimate sinner. My true self was completely unacceptable in the small town I grew up in. As a result, I always felt as if there was 2 of me. My true self and my ego.
That feeling of there being 2 of me was actually quite an unsettling experience. I think we all just want to be able to live our true authentic life but sometimes allow the rules, limitations, and beliefs of others to prevent that. (Ego). We have an innate desire to fit in and be accepted. (Ego). As a result, we try to be that person that fits in even when that person is not our true self.
On one hand, growing up I always tried to follow the rules and be a good kid but the other side of me was just wanting to have fun in school and be the rule breaker. I wanted to be rebellious by doing all the things I was told were forbidden. The tough challenge for me was how to keep the rule breaker part of me in check.
There’s one side of me that was playing the piano on Sunday mornings and the other side who was trying to fend off the sexual advances from men in the church. I guess in hind sight, we draw to us the energy we put out. While I was confused by it all, there was certainly a part of me that enjoyed it because it was feeding my ego that had a desire to feel needed. So, I was both the good little boy playing the piano but I was also the one who enjoyed being what would have been considered the bad little boy. I was presenting one persona but something completely different was going on behind the curtain. Behind the curtain, my ego was being fed.
Fast forward to where I am in my life right now as an adult. On one hand I still find myself trying to follow all the rules while on the other hand being the rule breaker. I have spent the past 3 years of my life writing columns and weekly blogs helping others to find the path while at the same time struggling to find the path for myself. Helping others to see the light while at the same time spending a lot of my time in the dark. Helping others to live a life of authenticity while at the same time not always being authentic myself. Helping others to understand the importance of exercising and proper diet while at the same time doing the complete opposite for myself.
I am a caretaker. I am gifted. I am intelligent. I am worthy. I am love. My true self beliefs that fully, yet the other me (ego) puts myself and my life at risk with actions that go against the beliefs of my true self. Two of me. One is my ego and one is my true self. The ego wants to fit in. The ego wants to be accepted. The ego wants to be in control. My true self is none of those things. So, basically it is a struggle between my ego and my true self. My true self doesn’t care what others think. My ego does. My true self knows the truth of who I am. My ego tells me I have to be someone else in order to be accepted, feel validated, and fit in.
The past 6 weeks or so, I’ve had this strong gut feeling that I’m on the wrong path. I have been on a path full of pot holes and bumps in the road. Despite knowing this, I still continue. Continue down that path that causes me suffering and anxiety. My true self is speaking loudly, “turn around.” “You’re going the wrong way,” while my ego is speaking loudly “keep going,” look at all the attention you’re getting.”
Even though at times the path I’m on is not the best path, it is one I know well. It is one that is feeding my ego but not my soul.
I am 56 years old now. It is past time that I muster up the courage to listen to my true self and let ego go. It is past time that I truly live my life authentically. It is past time that there be just one of me. The true me. No pretending that everything is okay if it is not okay. No pretending to be exactly who others think I should be. It is time to start living a life of Optimal Health by following my core beliefs and convictions. It is time to start loving the real me and truly believing I am worthy of self-preservation.
How many times have you done something that went against what you wanted to do just to please someone else or fit in? How many times have you said yes, while hearing no? I can’t begin to count the times.
As I become more aware, it is my intention to continue on this path of awareness. It is my intention to be who I say I am. It is my intention to practice what I preach. It is my intention to let go of that need to be validated and wanted. That need to be validated and wanted has led me to not being completely authentic. It is my intention to fall in love with myself. Falling in love with self is key to living your authentic life and being who you really are no matter where you are and no matter the situation.
In conclusion, be who you are and not who your partner/spouse thinks you should be. Be who you are and not who the church thinks you should be. Be who you are and not who family/friends think you should be. Be you and not who a certain political group thinks you should be. Who you are is perfect. Who you are is beautiful. We are all a unique expression of the divine. See yourself as just that. Flaws and all. Be your true self and let the ego go. You need no one’s approval or validation as your ego would lead you to believe.
Until next week,
Vince is a Critical Care Registered Nurse, Published Writer, and Columnist living and loving in Atlanta, Georgia. Enter your email address to receive his weekly Educational, Inspirational, and Motivational 5-minute reads straight to your inbox. You can also follow him on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedInand Twitter. Your support and feedback are deeply appreciated.