Posted on by Vince Shifflett

My Need For Validation

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Validation is not a bad thing. It can be affirming and positive. It is reasonable to want your ideas, achievements, and choices validated by those around you. Recognition and acceptance of someone else’s experience can be a beautiful thing.

So, when does validation become problematic?

I recently came to the awareness that the desire to get people to like me has motivated the majority of my choices and actions. Particularly in my early life. That awareness and realization has caused me to contemplate. So, now that I’m aware of my need to feel validated and desire to be accepted, where did it all come from. When did it all start?

How can I get to the bottom of this and heal from it? Heal from the root cause of my need to feel validated and accepted.

This is requiring that I go back all the way to my childhood to uncover where that need came from. Through the process of energy work, meditation, a lot of tears, a lot of time alone and the support of a few amazing friends, I am still here. Otherwise, I feel I may not be.

My journey to discovery also is requiring that a few difficult decisions be made. Painful decisions.

My need for validation and acceptance at times has led to behaviors I am not pleased with. Behaviors that left me feeling more void than before I participated in the behavior. Behaviors that have cost me some valuable relationships. I recognize now that the behaviors were yet another subconscious attempt for validation and acceptance.

It certainly does not help that for much of my life I have been clinically depressed. Something I have struggled with but have become very good at hiding and always pretending everything is okay.

For me, my bouts with depression stem from that feeling of not being validated and a feeling of not being accepted. Even as far back as my early childhood, I can remember feeling depressed. Of course, at that time I didn’t know I was depressed. I just knew I felt different and out of place. I found myself feeling sad way back then. Often sitting over in a corner somewhere watching others while at a gathering.

Having a father who was verbally, mentally, and physically abusive left me feeling unworthy, unaccepted, and not validated. This led me to seek that validation in other men. I have allowed those feelings from my father to stick around for far too long. Now when Mr. Right shows up, I end up sabotaging the relationship because deep inside I still feel that sense of unworthiness that was deeply embedded in me from my father.

As my life has progressed, the depression has continued with frequent thoughts of suicide. The break-up of my 18-year relationship and the tragic loss of my beautiful angel and Mother just added more weight to my depression. I knew I had to get help. I started crying out for help to a few close friends. My dearest friend Greg, who is an Energy Healer and life coach has dug me out of the quick-sand more times than I care to mention.

I now know that first and foremost, I need to give myself validation.

One way I am moving toward self-validation (approval) is by keeping a self- appreciation journal. It is a good way to begin to acknowledge the things I am most proud of about myself. The first entry in my self-appreciation journal was, “The work I do both as a writer and nurse makes a difference in people’s lives.”

So now that I’ve discovered where my need for validation comes from, Am I healed? Do I still feel the need to be validated and accepted?

It is a journey for me and not a destination. It is a daily work. If I fail to do the work, I fall right back in to the same pattern of seeking that validation (approval) from others. There is always work to do. Work to become and remain my highest and best self.

I will continue to work at bringing more awareness to my validation seeking thoughts and behaviors. I will continue to work on dealing with the past that led me here in an effort to free myself and feel worthy the next time someone shows me true love.

In Summary: Don’t we all want to be accepted and validated?  I think it becomes problematic when we seek external validation as opposed to looking internally for validation. The truth is, no validation is needed from anyone. It is okay to be who you are. It is okay to live in your truth no matter what that looks like. Those who truly love you will accept you in your truth. Now, I just need to remember this and work on applying it to my personal life.

My Personal Affirmations:

  • I am worthy of love
  • I am ready to receive love
  • I validate and approve of myself
  • I openly receive validation (approval, love) from others

Your continued love and support of me move me deeply. I am grateful for each of you. It is a pleasure to share my journey with you.

Is the need for validation (approval) holding you back? I look forward to your feedback.

Much love,

Vince

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Vince is a Critical Care Registered Nurse, Published Writer, and Columnist living and loving in Atlanta, Georgia. Enter your email address to receive his monthly Educational, Inspirational, and Motivational 5-minute reads straight to your inbox. You can also follow him on Facebook, Instagram, LinkedInand Twitter. Your support and feedback are deeply appreciated.

 

 

16 Replies to “My Need For Validation”

  1. I LOVE THIS!! Thanks for sharing your story. This piece is very eye opening and motivational for me. I can definitely relate to many of the things you’ve spoken. I will challenge myself to daily speak personal affirmative statements to overcome the sadness | loneliness | and depression I often experience and have learned to mask quite well. Reading this is liberating!!

    1. Luther,

      So Grateful for you. I think so many people in this time are experiencing emotional challenges. I pray for your peace and happiness as well.

      Much love,
      Vince

  2. MY Vince. You speak the sentiments of not only mine, but so many countless other hearts. I Love You. I appreciate you sharing this with the world. With me.

  3. Wow !
    That’s an insight I thought I wouldn’t see.
    I agree with Brian’s sentiments “You are a wonderful, caring person and bring great value to your world and those around you. Being authentically yourself is tough, so thank you for continuing to share your internal growth and insights.”
    Vince, my dear friend, you know what I’m going through, you know a lot more about me than virtually anyone else but you have never, ever shown anything but positive energy, positive advise, positive outlook and positive friendship to me. You are a wonderful man, a handsome man, a caring man, a hardworking man, an articulate man, a wise man and a sensitive man. Anyone who doesn’t see that is a fool !
    If I was stranded on a desert island, you would be one of the three people I would be honored to have with me.
    You bring out the best in me and I’m sure in a lot of others as well.
    I have turned to you in my moments of despair and after a mere five minutes I have been rejuvenated and felt alive.
    We all go through our moments or years of self doubt, our wanting to be accepted by all and sundry.
    We’ve all had that ‘bully’ in our lives that made life hell for us even though we were related in some form. My ‘bully’ was my uncle/boss. His wife made his life hell and I was his punch bag. I hated my job because f him but stuck to it because of the money and because he was my uncle who knew best for me. Now he’s dead and gone, I can see just how ignorant I was. But I learn’t humility and self worth. I remember contemplating suicide on a number of occasions but didn’t go through with it because a little voice in my head said, “you do it, he wins, you remain, he loses”. He’s gone and I’m still here. I won !
    You know, I used to hate my own company but you taught me to love my own company and to enjoy being alone. You are a wonderful man and I thank you for coming into my life.
    I finish by wishing you all the brotherly love you deserve and success in finding your true worth that we can all see but you don’t.
    Yuri x

  4. Once again, Vince you speak to me through your writing. While reading this article, I found myself agreeing because I’ve experienced similar situations but never thought that it’s all been a search for validation. Thank you so very much for sharing this part of your life… I think the journal is an excellent idea and will begin mine today! Sending you love & healing energy…

  5. This is a excellent read Vince. I use to be that person looking for that myself. I found my answer in my relationship with God, and through this I found and began to love me. Thank you for this, I really enjoyed it.

    1. Ernest,

      I really appreciate your feedback. You are so right. Reconnecting with God (Spirit) is key. It is easy to become disconnected with all the distractions.

      Much love to you,
      Vince

  6. The need for Validation, This sounds like my story. I am still a working in progress, like we all are…Thanks for sharing Vince.

  7. True for myself and u am sure many others. Thanks for sharing in such a thoughtful powerful way as you always seem to do. I am I looking for an life coach. Would you share Greg’s contact info with me? Thanks
    Daneatl1@gmail.com

    1. Dana,

      Thank you so much for your kind words. I think at some point in all our lives we experience darkness. It is my belief that we ALL can benefit from counseling. Greg’s email address is dean@cwatre.com
      Put my name in your subject line of the email so it stands out as he gets thousands of emails. I will also let him know that you will be contacting him.

      Much love to you,
      Vince

  8. Validation = Ego. It’s such a twisted need. We all seek it externally but most of us push it away when someone pays us a compliment, or offers praise. We want it so badly but have no idea what to do with it when we get it. Growing up feeling different or less than runs very deep and is hard to overcome. And as we age in the LGBT community and become somewhat invisible, it only gets worse. You are a wonderful, caring person and bring great value to your world and those around you. Being authentically yourself is tough, so thank you for continuing to share your internal growth and insights. We’re all worth it!

    1. Brian,

      I love your response and as always, I grow from them. Validation=Ego. So true. So many times I find myself feeding my ego as opposed to my soul.

      Love to you,
      Vince

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