Optimal Health

What Happens When the Sex Dies? Because It Will

fullsizeoutput_1d9aHaving been in long-term relationships, I want to share some of my thoughts and experiences with you regarding the sexual part of relationships. This article is in no way intended to be judgmental. Again, it is just my personal experience and thoughts.

What is the normal progression of a relationship?

One of my friends once said to me, “You can put a mark on the head board of your bed every time you have sex in the first year and you won’t have it that many times for the rest of your marriage.”

For me, the progression has been that you start out with more sex and progress to being more companions than sexual partners. So, what happens when you progress to that stage? Because you will.  

If you’ve been in a long-term relationship for let’s say 5 years or more, what is your sex life like? Lively? Rare? Non-existent? Are you missing that part?

Sex is a very real part of who we are as beings. It is an important part. After all, it is how we all got here. It is a special way of connecting with the one you love. But what happens when it becomes extremely rare or non-existent?

It seems there’s a tendency to cheat, hide and be deceitful as opposed to having an open honest conversation with the one you love. Do you just suppress your sexual needs for the rest of your life? Do you stifle the sexual part of you?

I was raised in a Christian home where we were taught that you meet “the one” and you spend your life with them. You would never think about sleeping with anyone else. Meanwhile, I watched my Dad mess around with every woman he could while married to my precious dedicated mother. I also witnessed many men in the church being unfaithful and deceitful. But how dare anyone talk about it.

Of course, there are many other important components to a healthy relationship other than sex but I believe we all have an innate desire to connect on that level. My challenge in former relationships has been, how do I fulfill my sexual desires when sex is no longer part of my relationship?

I have found that affection is equally as important and can be just as intimate. Lose that and oh well. Not much hope in my eyes. But can the affection replace the intimate sexual connection? The actual act of sex.

If you are unable to talk about this with your partner, then you’re probably not with the right person. It is easy to say, “Oh, we’ve been together for 25 years.” It is easy to pretend all is well and you are happy. But are you? Are you fulfilled? Are you getting the intimacy you desire?

Longevity means absolutely nothing if you’re miserable. Longevity means nothing if you desire to be held, kissed, and made love to and that’s not happening. Longevity means nothing if the passion and romance are gone.

I am certainly not advocating that you end your relationship. I am however advocating that you have an honest conversation with your partner and come up with a solution that works for both of you. It’s a much better option than lying, cheating, hiding, having outside affairs, and being deceitful.

These are not easy topics to talk about but they are necessary to talk about. For far too long, sex has been the pink elephant in the room that no one wants to talk about. When it dies, there’s no conversation about it. People just either end the relationship, become unfaithful, or live a sexless life.

I am finally at a place in my life where I am able to talk about this openly and honestly with whoever I’m involved with. It feels so much better than all the years I spent cheating and hiding.

Be honest. Be honest with yourself. Be honest with your partner. Stop pretending you’re monogamous when you’re out here sleeping with others. Stop pretending. Have a conversation and come up with a solution without any judgement of one another. It will lead to a much happier, more fulfilled relationship.

I look forward to your feedback and as always, am appreciative of you as a being.

Much love,

Vince

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Hi, I’m Vince. I am a Critical Care Registered Nurse and Author. Welcome to my site. On this site you will be provided inspirational, educational, and motivational articles. It is my mission to have this information help you achieve Optimal Health which includes Physical Health, Spiritual Health, and Mental Health. My ultimate goal is to create change and stimulate self-healing. I would love to have your support by entering your email address on this site to receive my monthly articles. I look forward to your feedback.

 

12 comments on “What Happens When the Sex Dies? Because It Will

  1. Those are extremely difficult and needed conversations. There has to be a space created within the relationship for type of dialogue. Your article is provocative and hopefully prompt couples to emotionally make room for these types of conversations. If we are able to shine the light on and illuminate that which is shrouded in darkness, solutions will begin to take root and grow. Nothing grows in darkness but mold, mushrooms and fungus.

    • Joseph,

      Really appreciate the feedback. I love that you say, “emotionally make room for those conversations.” So true. It starts with emotionally ready. Thank you for sharing with us all.

      Vince

  2. Adrian Carter

    Great read my friend. I’m sure we’ve all been here a time or two or will some day. This is a conversation I’ve had often in dating.

  3. This is definitely a lesson I have learned and one of the many things that I would tell my younger self, if given the opportunity to.

    • Shaun,

      I think it takes a certain level of maturity to have the necessary conversations and to be honest with one’s self.

      Love and appreciate you,
      Vince

  4. John Vermeer

    This is so true, Vince, wish I could have read it years ago, it would have explained a lot.

  5. I’ve been on both sides and it took me coming clean with myself to understand the ramification of it. Along with a good therapist.
    Thank you for this..

  6. Excellent read. I have been the person that both gay and “straight” men have stepped out with. I would wonder what their mate would think about it…….I am no longer that outlet for them.

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