During a recent conversation with my best friend Greg, he said to me, “But you already are.” That was a light bulb moment for me. One of many I’ve experienced during our conversations. “But you already are.”
What are you searching for? You already are. That which you seek, you already are. What are you trying to achieve? What are you trying to become?
It seems I’ve spent a great deal of my life trying to become not really realizing that I already am.
My need to become and over achieve has been both good and bad. It all stems back to my need for validation that started in my early childhood. As a result of my gay lifestyle, I always felt a need to prove myself because my lifestyle was seen as abnormal, a disease, a demon, and something totally unacceptable by society. Being gay was seen as less than. Therefore, I felt as if I needed to show everyone that I wasn’t less than by achieving great things in my life.
I always felt I had to work a little harder to show that I wasn’t abnormal.
This drive to achieve and become has taken up much of my mental space. I am finally starting to ask myself, who am I becoming for? Who am I achieving for?
What’s the secret to happiness? What’s the secret to contentment? What’s the secret to being in the moment and knowing that you already are?
The answer lies between your ears.
Our mind can be our worst enemy or our best friend. Knowing you have the power to choose can be life changing to the degree you actually believe it. I admit, I struggle with believing that I already am. I struggle with believing that I am enough. I’ve been in this life for 58 years and have been trying to work out its riddle for about 50 of those years.
I recently went back and looked in my high school senior memory book where I found that I had written down my future goals. My goals at that time were to become a registered nurse and a professional piano player for an infamous gospel group. I achieved both. Nothing wrong with achieving but it’s also important to pause and appreciate what you already are in this very moment.
I feel I have spent so much time looking into the future that I often missed what was right in front of me at any given moment.
Although I achieved the goals I set for myself in my high school memory book, it wasn’t enough. It’s never enough. I still find myself always trying to be. Putting a lot of pressure on myself as opposed to just stopping to appreciate what I already am.
I also find that I am always trying to change something instead of being okay with what is. In the winter, I find myself saying, “I’ll be so glad when summer gets here.” In the summer I say, “OMG, this heat.” “I can’t wait until winter.” Always trying to change the time. At work I find myself rushing the time saying, “I can’t wait until 7pm.” Always looking ahead missing the now. Missing the moment. Never completely satisfied.
Be where you are. When your mind starts to drift and dwell on what you should be doing, bring it back to what you are doing right now. When the mind starts to wander off with thoughts about what you should be, bring it back to what you already are and give thanks for that.
The lesson for me in all of this is learning more about unbecoming as opposed to becoming. I am learning that there is no need to actually become because I already am. I give thanks for that. I am working on unbecoming all the things others have told me that I am and I believed them. You are enough. Believe it.
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