Posted on by Vince Shifflett

Recovery and Relationships: Should Newcomers Wait?




The “Unwritten Rule”
In the rooms of recovery, there’s an unwritten rule about romantic relationships. It’s said that a “newcomer” should avoid relationships for a year.
Waiting for 52 weeks may sound tortuous, but there is logic to the premise.
 
Does it Make Sense?
Within the first year, the newcomer is literally “becoming” a “new” “person.” In order to do that, they must reassess who they want to be. Still seeing yourself one way, while working on “becoming” a new version of yourself, takes work. Most of this work will be emotional.
In order to truly change, a person must have a new perspective. For the newcomer that means having a new self-perspective. I wouldn’t be a successful author today, if I hadn’t stopped seeing myself as a drug addict.
Redefining who we are entails a new dynamic. While visualizing being a successful writer, I also had to “feel” that success. I had to establish an emotional connection with my new self-image.
At times I saw myself as an author, and other times still as a drug addict. It was a constant fight. Being in the early stages of self-care is equal to an emotional roller-coaster.
 
 Can You Juggle?
How can a person who is redefining their self-relationship, also flourish while in another relationship? Make no mistake about it, the newcomer’s primary concern should be developing a healthy relationship with themselves. Adding another relationship to the mix can be daunting.
Imagine you’re in juggling school. It’s the first day and the instructor wants to teach you advanced juggling. You might be okay with two balls, but all three? Without proper training how can you handle everything in the air? The same can be said for a newcomer being in a relationship. Emotions are going to fly. When you’re just starting on your road to emotion maturity, it might be better to face it alone.
A “newcomer” is an apt term. Living a clean and sober life means reacting to life differently. Most newcomers need practice navigating life on life’s terms, before finding a partner.
Active addicts turn to drugs in order to deal with their emotions. Recovering addicts learn how to respond pr0ductively, without drugs. Putting a newcomer in an emotionally volatile space could lead to relapse. 
Is it a “Rule”?
Organizations for recovering addicts and alcoholics cannot control the actions of their members. Suggestions are only made to prevent relapse and self-destructive behaviors.
I think it’s important for the newcomer to assess their emotional capacity. Being honest is key. If anything should be a rule, it should be rigorous honesty. If a person in early recovery cannot handle more emotional complications, they should avoid a relationship.
 
The Concern
We all have our own capabilities. Some of us are more emotionally stable than others. Those people may not relapse over a breakup. But many do. So, the suggestion remains for those wise enough to heed it. There’s nothing wrong with working on yourself until the time is right.

Jeff Vickers is a new author, copywriter and content writer. 

After a 30-year battle with addiction, Jeff was transformed by embracing the power of recovery. A self-proclaimed, “sober enthusiast,” his passion is helping people grow in their sobriety.  

After becoming fascinated by the power of recovery mottos, Jeff looked for books on the subject. Finding none, he decided to write one himself. The result is a series entitled, “Sober Slogans.” The first book of the series, “Recovery Mottos We Love,” available now on Amazon! 

Jeff loves to write wearing his favorite Star Wars pajamas, while listening to Damien Escobar. When he is not writing, Jeff spends time binging on old episodes of “Shark Tank,” with his partner, Sara. 

Aside from being excited about the release of his first book, Jeff says, “I’m excited about getting married soon.”  

He is currently working on the second book of the series, “Sober Slogans.” 

Grab a copy of his new book here: https://buy.bookfunnel.com/w891v90zw0 

Keep in touch with Jeff here: 

Please also enter your email address on this website to receive more thought provoking, inspirational articles straight to your inbox. Your feedback, love and support are deeply appreciated as we all grow together. Kind regards, Vince Shifflett

2 Replies to “Recovery and Relationships: Should Newcomers Wait?”

  1. I believe I am not emotionally mature enough to nurture a healthy relationship I would not be able to grow either because in a new relationship there’s not a space to be you in the raw and not potentially scare that individual or open up the possibility of manipulation. Not saying these things are an absolute but it’s to unsure to be okay with as far as I am concerned. I have spent over 14 years in a very dark toxic on and off again relationship plus we have two children together. So today at 100 days sober my focus is just today, staying sober, completing aftercare, working hard in therapy, self love and rebuilding relationships with my children and getting to know my grandchildren. I am also relearning how to handle toxic people that are in my life with out allowing the poison to seep into my existence. Plus I am starting to volunteer with other recovering addicts at Minnesota Recovery Connection. And what do I have left to give nothing because right now I am building up self I can’t at this point or for that fact never give myself for the sake of a relationship. I would not want to feel obligated to anyone other then self and family and god.

    Thanks for your article and good luck on your next book. Congratulations on your sobriety and up and coming marriage.

    1. Kelly, appreciate you response and transparency. You are right, it is most important to nurture a healthy relationship with self first. Knowing and feeling that you are worthy of beautiful love without drama or judgement. I would be honored to have you check out my book on Amazon, “Relationship or Relationshit.” I think you will find it helpful. Surround yourself with love. The love you deserve. Make the tough decision to cut the cord and leave the toxicity. The Universe will have your back. Do not allow fear to keep you from moving forward into the unknown.

      Much love,
      Vince

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